Before any of you sanctimonious people jump down my throat, let me just begin by saying that I love my son more than anything in this whole entire world. However just because I love him does not necessarily mean I have to always like him. I say this with heavy heart because no one wants to feel this way. Naturally, I would all like to enjoy every aspect of motherhood all the time. I would like to think that I could be Supermom and tackle everything that is thrown my way…but I’m not and I can’t. I am a single mother who is balancing two jobs while going to school full time and dealing with a child who is going through his terrible twos too early. Due to the overwhelming stress with being able to maintain balance, I often find myself on the brink of cracking when my son decides to throw a temper tantrum in the middle of the grocery store—kicking, screaming, biting, etc. Or when he uses my waterproof mascara to color my beige walls. Or when he decides to rip pages of my books (my most prized possessions) that I have yet to read. Or when he simply wants to cry for two hours straight—and doesn’t want to be held or talked to. I really mean this when I say, that you really don’t know the depth of your love for your child until you know what it’s like to dislike (and dare I say, hate) them but still care for them. In other words, they’re still here, alive and breathing even though you may have pictured killing them or giving them away.
I am human and I would like to think that by admitting the fact that I don’t always enjoy being a mom is pretty brave because we live in a society that holds very little empathy for this sort of confessional. Let me assure you that this is not synonymous with me regretting to have my son because I don’t. I would never trade my son for anything. This is just me being honest with myself, and allowing myself to feel what I feel in this very moment.
For a while, I have been reluctant with admitting to even my closest friends and family that sometimes I just hate being a mother. I hate it. It’s hard! Especially when I’m doing it alone. I was afraid to share that with people because I know the look I would get: that condescending stare that leaves me feeling embarrassed and useless. It’s as though I’m weak by admitting that being a mom can be overwhelmingly stressful at times. It didn’t help when I decided to openly express my misery at work and this woman said, “I could never understand how mothers can say that they don’t like their children. I love being a mom!” Mind you, this woman is at the nail salon getting her nails done without her kids. It must be nice to have that time for yourself, isn’t it? Don’t get me wrong; I see nothing wrong with mothers taking time for themselves (I highly recommend it!), however don’t tell me that you love being a mom all the time when you’re at the nail salon, alone. This is the type of attitude that makes other moms feel bad for not having that perfect American Cookie-cutter lifestyle. It makes them feel like they’re horrible parents when in actuality they’re just normal. My favorite is when someone suggests that you are simply being ungrateful when others would kill to have a child and can’t. That really chaps my ass because it’s entirely unfair to think that just because someone has a child, and others can’t, that they are not allowed to feel like crap sometimes. That’s unnecessary pressure to put on someone! It’s not fair to pass judgment on others when you have no idea what is going on in their life.
However, I digress.
The point of this is to say that I find it sad how little people empathize with mothers who admit their feelings. This is why some people internalize it because they don’t want to feel judged and get called things like “ bad mom” when that is not the case at all. This may be why some parents do eventually break because they don’t speak up when they’re overwhelmed. You can only bottle up so much before you crack. I think it’s perfectly okay to admit when it’s hard and to maybe get some support from others. Even if you just vocalize your feelings, you’ll feel better. Anything is better than to just keep it all inside, getting depressed and then go crazy. I know for me, when I feel like I’m about to literally about to go crazy psycho—I vent to my friends, or write a humorous Facebook status to lighten the mood, or just scream in my room by myself. Admitting and sharing does not make me a bad mother this is my antithesis to psychotic. Motherhood is not always going to be pretty, and you’re not always going to be happy– BUT THAT’S OKAY! It’s okay because I know I’m not alone when it comes to feeling this way and if you’re a mom who is reading this and have felt this way – please know that you are not crazy, you’re normal.
Meet my son when he’s throwing a tantrum:
Child’s logic on loving and liking:
Pictures via Google.